Unsettling Dream

{Rambling with myself} My last few weeks have been reviving and insightful. After almost 2 years, I returned to my home and met old friends and family. I don’t know why, but whenever I think of them, it seems as if I am looking at the other side of the coin. The side which I have been neglecting, the side which somehow exists to keep me reminded of my roots. The side, I am trying hard to polish and shin.

While I was with my family and friends, I kept asking myself why I didn’t settle for a normal job and lived like everyone else. What is it that I am pursuing in this life? Everyone seems to be going through some phase of transition, and I found myself utterly confused and stunned. To make best of my time, I went on a trip with my friends to see if I could find consolation with my questions. But I didn’t. By the time I had to return, I had more questions than before. The unsettling dream kept haunting me.

Entrepreneurship is a hard choice because you are on your own, figuring out the rules of life. There is no syllabus or any course work to guide you. No books that can give you enough idea about life. Moreover, there are no marks to grade your performance. You just have to figure out by playing it and that’s it. May be its ignorance within me that prompted me to go this way, but I could not go any way either. Honestly, I had no idea of what entrepreneurship or leadership is all about, until I started playing the game, the only game which made sense for me to play. The idea was not to win the game, but to play and figure out the rules as I go along. For last 3 years, I have figured out enough rules to make some sense of life. But sometime, certain unexpected moves keep proving me wrong.

There is a saying that a “filled cup can never be filled”, and that “a rolling stone will never gather any moss.” But my cup never gets filled. Every time I look into my cup, I see it empty. Looks like, nothing stays in my cup beside the left over impressions and stains from unproven facts. On the hand, I see no reason why a stone should gather any moss, rather than rolling and being always in motion. At the end, may be rolling stone would not gather any moss, but you will find the stone beaming with perfection of its roundness which is absent in the other stone. This sense reminds me of a story from Hermann Hesse, “Siddhartha”. A young man in search of truth, who ends up finding the answer late in his life, similar to the character in the movie, Into the wild.

I have been blogging with all my passion to keep reminding why I started it all - for the love of the life and my unsettling dream. The dream is to be able to architect my life in my own way and be able to do great things. But my doubtful nature keeps challenging me of my path. I could not help noticing how people fail due to lack of faith on their instinct. The pressuring nature of social casualties are powerful enough to generate fear. This fear is interesting, it is the core of what makes you what you are. If you have read enough of J Krishnamurti‘s books than you will find that his main stress is always in removing this fear from oneself. The fear weakens your senses to judge and to make right decision. I have tried hard enough to ignore my fear and move, but sometime I falter on my own reasoning, the only thing that I trust.

Both side of the coin adds value to life. Dream and Reality are two different perceptions of life and balancing your way through it, is all one needs to do. But the act of balance is much more complicated than it sounds and one needs to figure it out. It’s always the fear that plays against your balance. I think, if one can control it, there should be no problem.